Being Just "Friends"

Recently, I had my first boxing match. Though it was nothing compared to "real" boxing fights and even some sparring sessions we had, it was still exciting. Trying to get points by physically hurting someone while trying not to get hurt at the same time is something completely different for a modern person. The last two months leading up to the fight were very busy, and knowing that I would have a fight on a predefined date was very stressful for me. So, I postponed lots of things during this time just to focus on the fight while trying to get ready for the post-fight period as well.

After two tiring months and losing 5 kg, even though I lost the fight, I'm happy that it's over, and now I can focus on other things in my life. I have a couple of goals on my mind, like running a half marathon, losing a few more kilograms, writing regularly on this blog, etc. Last week, I had my first date since the break-up, which got me thinking about the line between being just friends and being more than friends.

Before diving into the details, there is something more fundamental to consider. Everyone has their own prejudices based on their experiences, and it's tough to detach from these. So whatever I say, including this post, likely reflects a limited perspective. However, this doesn't change the fact that these thoughts are proven by at least one individual experience—my own. With this disclaimer, I can continue.

As humans, we often want to take as much as we can as quickly as possible. We negotiate with each other in various circumstances, trying to defend our interests, and romantic relationships are no exception. We want to maintain our freedom while being with another person but also try to prevent the other side from doing anything that might hurt us. This is natural because we don't want to get hurt, and we're vulnerable in romantic relationships.

Since we can't directly hurt someone or at least let them know that, we try to convince the other party that what we do is not bad for them (or they will leave us), or we try to hide it (which is the ultimate way of convincing someone); otherwise, it will cause a big contradiction with what we say and do. You are saying that you love someone but hurting them at the same time? How does that work?

More importantly, we need to be in harmony with ourselves. We can't live with ourselves if we find inconsistencies between our actions and beliefs. So we need to justify our behaviors to ourselves, not just to society or our partner. In doing so, we often deceive ourselves while deceiving others as a defense mechanism.

Because most of the time, it's hard to say to someone (or to yourself), "Hey, I really enjoy your company and the safety you provide. Also, this family life keeps me sane. But at the same time, I want to fuck this woman at the office. But since she wouldn't be interested in me or since it would cause more problems than it solves, I will just keep it at a justifiable level to you, to myself, and also to my friends/family/society. I will also try to enjoy flirting with her and keep her at a reachable proximity—just in case, you know—but I will make myself and you believe that we are 'just friends.'"

So, where does the line between being friends and more than friends start to blur? You aren't guilty as long as you haven't committed a crime, but I think the line starts to blur when you take unnecessary steps in the modern world. For example, having a coffee break or lunch with friends at work is normal. But when you start talking to them regularly on social media "unnecessarily" or dressing up for meetings they'll attend, or going on long road trips together, you're trying to cross the boundary of friendship or giving the other person the opportunity to do so.

So that's the point when you start deceiving yourself and/or your partner, especially if you believe that cheating on someone is wrong. Otherwise, how can you live with yourself while accepting that what you do is wrong? If you have some conscience, you won't be able to stand yourself.

At the same time, I believe that every relationship might have different rules due to the different personalities of people. The ideas that I share are just my opinions, not facts coming from an ultimate power that knows everything correctly. I'm not even sure if there are any ultimate rules about how to live your relationship or your life. At the same time, I'm skeptical of using "everyone is different; there's no good or bad" moral relativism as an excuse for bad behavior.

I hope to find some ultimate truths someday. Until then, I will just keep on speculating for my own fun. Till then, take care.