Jealousy

Last month, the woman I'm seeing was in another city. She was out with her "friends" at some quiz pub or something, while I sat at home feeling jealous and down. That made me start thinking about jealousy and wanting to understand the mechanics behind it. I watched videos, read posts, and even started a book. To clear things up for myself, I decided to write about it. The main question I'm trying to answer is: what exactly bothers me when my girlfriend goes out with her friends? Or, more broadly, what am I really jealous of?

The first thing that comes to mind is the possibility that some of those "friends" are more than just friends. I can even think of a couple of my girl "friends" from work who are a bit different from regular friends. We didn't have sex or anything, but there's definitely some tension between us. I'm not saying we're in love or that anything will happen, but I wouldn't want my girlfriend hanging out with those kinds of "friends." Then, another question pops up: what if she does hang out with those kinds of friends? I'd feel betrayed because I've held back from doing things that might entertain me but would be bad for the relationship, while she's out enjoying herself and leaving me behind.

So, the first issue I can sum up is this belief I have: people tend to have secret agendas. Married, engaged, single-it doesn't matter. People flirt and fuck everywhere, probably because it's built into our genes.

Then, there's the question of the setting and drinks. I don't think having coffee with friends at noon is the same as having drinks late at night. Alcohol makes you lose control and act more freely, which can bring you closer to "friends." If the main purpose is just to chat, why do you need alcohol? And why make the effort to look attractive? So, my second source of discomfort comes from the assumption that people go out primarily to get attention from others. I don't want my girlfriend eyeing or talking to someone else.

Next, let's talk about my own infidelity. I want to fuck every woman (especially the beautiful ones), or maybe I've convinced myself-or media convinced me-that I do. So, the real issue here is that I don't trust others because I don't trust myself. I've cheated before when I was angry at my girlfriend, even though my options were limited. And when I couldn't cheat, I still wanted to. I found excuses to talk to women, talked about women with my friends, and I cheat with my eyes and my mind every day. This happens whenever I get jealous or mad at my partners. But this isn't unique to me. Whether we accept it or not, most heterosexual men's brains work in one direction: sex. The difference between me and many others is that I think about my thoughts, I question them, and then I write them down. Others just look at women and fuck, if possible.

So, as my third point, I can say I'm projecting my inner desires and intrusive thoughts onto others, including my girlfriends.

There's also envy in my jealousy, something I recently realized. It's the envy of being stuck at home while others are out living their lives-or at least the idea that they are and I'm missing out (FOMO). It's the feeling of being "less" because I'm not "enjoying" life to the fullest. I noticed this when my girlfriends talked about their past "adventures." It's not that I don't get jealous or mad when they mention ex-boyfriends, but I get angrier when there's even a hint of crazy sex adventures, like meeting someone at a club and going back to their place.

If I dig into what fuels my anger in these situations, there are two main things. One, the idea that the person I love had casual sex with someone, and there's a chance they might do it again since the sex itself wasn't special for them. The second thing is that I want to be that guy. But I've never done anything like that-I've never even been to a club-though I've had experiences that could be labeled as "crazy adventures." It feels like there's a need to prove myself in this envy, and that's a problem because it stops me from being my authentic self as I try to be like others.

Another thing I've realized is that this specific kind of jealousy doesn't always have to be about someone I'm involved with. It doesn't even need to be about my girlfriends. I might feel jealous of someone I see for the first time. I remember one time, sitting with an ex, meeting one of her friends for the first time. Her friend started talking about a love adventure she had in Italy with a pizza cook. I felt so jealous, I got mad.

In that case, I wanted to be that guy. A pizza cook who doesn't have or need any intellectual traits, who can't even speak English, yet still manages to fuck a nice, or average-looking girl. And she's the one chasing him, trying to stay with him. I think I despised him because, even though he didn't have the traits I value, he still got the girl. But there's a flaw in my thinking. First of all, the world isn't fair. Some people have advantages over others without doing anything to earn them-like where they're born or how they look. Just like I have some unearned advantages, others have theirs too. No one is special in this world, and the world owes us nothing. And another thing is, not everyone values what I value. The traits I think are important aren't necessarily the "right" ones for attracting people.

As I follow this thought pattern, I know my thinking is off. Here's what runs through my head: That guy didn't care about her, he just fucked her and left. He probably bragged to his friends. With those assumptions, I start thinking: If she's so easily accessible to someone who doesn't care about her (which makes her a "whore" in society's terms), am I dumb for putting energy into being with her? Am I wrong to value someone who accepts that kind of treatment?

So, as a fourth point, we can say there's anger in my jealousy, fueled by envy and the idea of being with a "whore."

I'm also jealous of how easily she can find someone she likes, while I struggle to do the same. It's like being jealous of your girlfriend in a bikini. She gets attention from men-maybe even men higher in the social hierarchy-while it's harder for a guy to attract that kind of attention. I think it's part of human nature that women can find partners or attention more easily than men. (Or is that just an illusion men created to feel better because they can't get attention from women as easily? Another good essay topic.)

And lastly, there's the fear of the unknown. If she came to me and told me she slept with someone, that would almost be better because at least I'd know. But it's unbearable to be stuck with all the possibilities and scenarios running through my head. "Is she talking to someone else? Does she want to have sex with others, like I do? Are any of her friends potential new opportunities she's exploring?" The list is endless.

I'll keep investigating my jealousy and how to avoid it (or maybe first I need to be sure it's even something I need to avoid). Two main topics need further exploration: the fear of losing loved ones and insecurities. Those will be the focus of another post. Before I wrap up, just in case you're wondering, my girlfriend and I sorted things out.

Take care until next time!